It Looks Like Rain
by Joegomoe
Summary: Sayori recounts her experience through middle school and high school.


I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm going to hurt you, but I have to. Once I'm out of the way, you can be happy. I don't know why you like me. This would be so much easier if you just saw me the way I truly am. Maybe after today, you will. Hopefully you see and don't care that I'm gone. Please don't be broken up about me. Please see that I'm not worth it. Please see me as the selfish waste I always have been. Not worthy of your worry or your time. I know you can get over me. It would be impossible if you couldn't. I can't mean that much to you? Can I? I wish I could. I wish it were possible you felt how I feel about you. But even if you did, I guess it really wouldn't matter.

* * *

I woke up an hour early. It was my first day of middle school after all. This year I was going to try harder than ever to do my best. I was out of the door in 15 minutes. I ran right to his house. I was excited to show off my new bow and my new bag. I knocked on the door and was let in. I ran up to his room and saw he was still sleeping. I jumped onto his bed.

"Come on! It's the first day of 6th grade. Get up."

"Sayori. Why are you ready so early?"

"I was too excited!"

He seemed kind of annoyed, but he put on a smile anyway.

"Well, I guess I'll get ready now. You can go downstairs and help yourself to some breakfast."

"Okay!" I said. I went downstairs and started grabbing various things. Soon enough, I had a feast fit for our first day. He came down a few moments later.

"I said help yourself. Not 'please eat everything in my house.'" He said. I laughed in between mouthfuls.

"I was gonna share."

"Well, you better. It's my food after all."

After, we walked to school together. I tried to hold his hand, but he said we were too old for that now. I saw the building and increased my pace. I ran to the front doors and pushed them both open and… my hopes were dashed. As soon as I set foot inside, all the feelings came back. I thought if I tried to be extra happy this morning, they wouldn't. But all I saw as we walked the halls, were reminders of how much better everyone was when compared to me. She has nicer clothes. He has a nicer bag. Look at her bow! It looks so good on her!

"Sayori? Is everything okay?" I can't let him notice. I put back on a smile.

"Yeah, I'm just taking it all in." He seemed to believe me.

My thoughts continued as lessons began.

That guy is so smart. I'd never be able to be like that.

She ran around the track so quickly. It must be great to have talent like that.

It was always present. Every class. Everyday. The realization of how amazing everyone was.

Everyone, except me.

I felt so out of place.

They always say don't compare yourself to others. I tried not to. But how could I not when there was such a big difference? I tried to keep to myself. Talking to anyone was just a reminder of how useless I was. It didn't help that my best friend was one of the greatest people I know. I really shouldn't complain, it was like I won the friend lottery. I couldn't get rid of him if I wanted to. He saw me crying at the park one day after I had just moved here. He came over to see what was wrong and we became friends instantly. I don't understand what he sees in me. I kind of feel like he is wasting his time. All I know is that I never felt more at ease or more on edge than when I was with him. He made me feel as if I matter. He made me think maybe there is a reason for me in this world. But then, I would feel awful. He would have had a lot more friends if he wasn't always hanging around the "weird girl." I thought I should try harder to push him away.

After I got home from my first day, I went to my backyard. I let my tears fly freely. I tore off my bow and my bag and threw them at the wall and into a puddle. I tried. I tried so hard to push away those thoughts. But I couldn't. I sat down and clutched my legs.

Would I always feel this way?

"Sayori? What happened?"

Oh no. How much of that did he see? I decided to try for a lie and see if he called me on it.

"I tripped." I said.

"Well, don't just stand there." He grabbed my arm and pulled me up, "Let's take them inside and try to dry them off."

If somebody like him seemed to care so much for me, maybe there was a point in my living that I just couldn't see. At least, that's what I hoped.

* * *

The start of 7th grade was more or less the same. I got up half an hour early, put on my brightest smile, and went to his house. I jumped on his bed.

"Wake up! Wake up!" He seemed slightly less annoyed this time.

"Hey. I'll be down in a minute."

I went downstairs and made another "Whatever I can find." breakfast. He smiled brightly when he saw my spread.

"You're improving. This almost looks edible."

"Hey!" I whined. We both laughed and started eating. I wished I could always feel the way I did then. For a moment, I forgot. I forgot about everything, but it all came flooding back the moment we walked out the door. I had decided to try a different strategy this year. I was going to force myself to talk to more people. If I forced myself to feel the pain, maybe eventually it wouldn't hurt as much anymore. At the very least, he would finally be able to make more friends. I started putting on an even happier face for everyone. Talking to everyone. Smiling at everyone. Offering to help everyone. And soon enough, they seemed to forget how I was last year. I guess they must have just figured I was a shy girl coming out of her shell. Soon, I had several others I could call friend. But, I was still hurting. The plan had failed. I decided to keep pretending though. I didn't want to cause my pain to spread to anyone else.

* * *

8th grade began and it seemed no one was the wiser. After a full year of the bubbly, friendly girl routine, I had it down pretty well. This is when I really began to hope that if I faked it long enough, maybe I would begin to actually feel that way. And it worked sometimes. But this was the year I realized what the consequence was. It made the lows so much worse. It would hit me hardest when I got home. On top of everything I was already feeling was the frustration that I wasn't changing. As well as the guilt that I was living a lie.

* * *

9th grade was the year that he got dangerously close to figuring me out. I had just gotten back from a particularly hard day. I made sure to walk home by myself. I was almost there, but I had to go and screw it up by breaking down right at my front door. He saw me fall and I could tell he was coming my way. I still had time but I had to think of something fast. What came to me probably wasn't the best idea, but I didn't have many choices. I made sure my bag was to the right of me and then I began furiously scrapping my knee against the ground. I looked back at him. I only had another second or so. It had to look good if he were to even begin to believe it was the reason I was crying so much. I turned to face him as he made his way up the walk.

"I fell and scraped knee really badly."

"How did you do that much damage just tripping?"

"I'm not sure."

"Well, come on. Let's get you inside." He helped me dress the wound.

"Are you sure nothing else is wrong? You seemed kind of off at school today." He looked me dead in the eyes. For a moment, I thought of coming clean.

"You know, I just had a bad day is all." It was only sort of a lie.

"Well, come over to my place later and we can eat ice cream and watch a movie. End the day off right at least."

"Okay."

I went straight to my room and crashed onto my bed. I had somehow managed to pull it off. It helped that even he had bought into happy me. I stared up at the ceiling and began to bawl. After about an hour I remember he had invited me over for ice cream. I grabbed my phone and sent a text.

"Thanks for helping me before. I'm feeling a lot better now. I think I'll just stay home and get a start on some homework due on Monday. Can we hang out tomorrow instead?" I did nothing for the rest of the day. I just lied in bed and waited for sleep to take me.

* * *

10th was the year I finally decided. I needed to try to cut him out of my life again. For good. I was too far gone. Not worth the effort he put in. I said I wanted to talk to him before we walked to school.

"So, I'm thinking, since we're going into high school now and we're going to be in different classes anyway, that we probably won't be able to see as much of each other anymore."

"I guess so. We can still walk there together though."

"That's another thing. I think you should stop waiting around for me in the morning. We're going to be adults soon. I need to learn how to get up by myself."

"Okay. You'll probably end up being late most of the time though."

"Eventually, I'll learn."

This ended up being probably the worst year of my life. Without him, the rainclouds only worsened. Everyday, I would just go home and lie in bed. I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I didn't see the point. I wanted so badly to give up and start hovering around him again, but I knew I couldn't. If I could stay strong for all of High School, perhaps he would forget about me. One day after school, I heard his voice behind me.

"Sayori! It's been a while since we walked home together! Do you want to?" It wouldn't be like me to say no.

"Of course!" I responded.

We walked in silence for a bit, then he spoke.

"It's been different not having you around all the time."

"Yeah, it's definitely been a change."

"Well, I'll be around today if you wanna come over."

Why was he still trying for me? Why hadn't he tossed me aside in favor of something better? I ask him in a way that wouldn't tip him off.

"I'm surprised you even remember my name." I pretended to joke, "It seems you've made tons of new friends."

"It's nothing compared to the number you have. Besides, I'm not really super close to any of those people. We talk at school, but that's it."

So, that was the problem. He just hadn't found the right person yet.

"I can introduce you to some others if you would like."

"Why are you trying so hard for me to make more friends?"

"I just want you to be happy is all."

"Well, as far as I'm concerned, you have enough happiness for the both of us."

Oh, how I wish that were true. We approached our houses.

"Okay, see you tomorrow." I said.

"You aren't going to come over?"

"You know, I have things I need to do."

"Alright, see you tomorrow then. Be on time so we can walk together!"

There was only one reason I lasted this year, and that was my meeting of Monika. In a class we had, we were assigned to recite poems. We could either find one to recite or try our hand at writing our own. I decided to give writing one a shot. When I finished my first poem, I found that for about five seconds, my mind was at ease. Upon discovering this, I ripped out another sheet of paper and began writing another one. I did this again and again. Each time savoring the brief moment of peace. This continued into the night. Eventually, I had a poem that wouldn't set off any red flags if I read it in class. I looked at the clock and frowned. I would need to stop and try to go to bed. Once I was settled, I let the usual thoughts beat me to sleep.

When the time came to recite poems, Monika and I ended up being the only ones in the class who had written our own. She approached me after class.

"I really enjoyed your poem. I'd love to be able to discuss it with you."

We talked about our poems for a bit and then we moved on to other subjects. She told me how she loved literature of all kinds and how she was thinking about trying to start up our school's literature club again. She said she wasn't sure if she could drum up enough interest. I agreed to help her. It was a lot of work, but by the end of the year, the club had reopened and we had managed to find two more members.

First was Natsuki. A girl who lived close by Monika and would be coming to our school next year. She said she really loves manga and that the club would be a great excuse to get out of the house.

Next was Yuri, and she actually approached us. Monika and I were out trying to recruit when this girl seemed to appear out of nowhere. She was twirling her hair and avoiding eye contact.

"Excuse me," She said, "Were you just asking about the literature club?"

"Yes we were. Are you interest…"

"I would love to join!" She said before quickly clutching her hair again, "I mean, if you would have me, I would like to join."

"Of course!" Monika beamed, "What's your name?"

"I'm...I'm Yuri."

"Nice to meet you, Yuri. My name is Monika." She looked to me.

"I'm Sayori. I can't wait to get to know you!"

And so then, we had a club. I should have felt some sort of sense of accomplishment. I should have been happy. But I felt nothing.

With three new friends, my mind went to the place it always does when I meet new people, Maybe one of them could be the one to replace me once and for all.

I started talking to him again the next year, with my end goal being to eventually invite him to the club. I was weak. All my old feelings for him resurfaced. I was so happy to be spending time with him again. I never wanted us to be apart, but I had no right. They all deserved someone better than me. They deserved each other. I was selfish. I put off asking him about the club for a while. When I did finally decide to ask him, it was a bit of a struggle to get him to come. He eventually agreed. I had done my best to hype him up to the other girls. On his first day visiting, he agreed to join the club.

It hurt.

It hurt so much.

Monika suggested that we start sharing poems every day and I knew that meant I wouldn't be able to hide my true self much longer. Slowly, but surely, he began to take notice. Through all the poems, planning for the festival, and getting to know the others, he still noticed me. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take lying to him anymore. On the Sunday before the festival, I came clean. I told him the girl he knew was a fake. That who he is seeing now, that's the real me. Part of me wished that that would be the end of it. That he would abandon me once he knew. He didn't. He held me and promised me he would help me. He meant well, but it seemed he really didn't understand. He left and then I watched out the window. I waited for Natsuki to arrive at his house. They were going to be making cupcakes for the festival tomorrow. I saw her approach the door and I was so happy that they had the chance to meet like this, but I was still so miserable. I thought about how it could be going. Were they really hitting it off? Was Natsuki managing to make sure he didn't mess anything up? Maybe the cupcakes were already in the oven, and now they were reading together on the couch. They would scoot closer… and closer… and closer.

I tried to stop thinking about it, but I couldn't. I was frozen to my front window. After a painful eternity I saw them walking out the front door. They were both glowing. It must have gone well. I don't know why but I got up and walked out the door. I slowly walked towards them, watching their every move. Natsuki's face was absolutely flushed. She was leaning her head towards his. She would have went through with it, had they not both noticed me. Why did I insert myself and mess it up? After some awkward goodbyes, I was left alone with him. He asked me some questions and I answered truthfully. I was so desperate and confused that I confessed how I felt about him. While he didn't flat out reject me, it was clear. He didn't return my feelings. I started running home but didn't make it. I knelt on the ground and started screaming. Everything had finally come to a head. Why had I done that? Did I really think…? No. Of course I didn't. And even if he somehow did love me, would that change my plans at all? No. I would still push him away. I saw he was still standing in the same spot. I got up and finished the trip to my room. I pulled out the rope I had tied. I could do it now, I thought. I held it in my hands as my whole body shook. I supposed I had done everything I set out to do. Now would be the time. And yet, part of me was scared I was wrong. What if my death hurts them more than I think it will? No. To think my death would leave any lasting effects is nothing but arrogance. I took out the note I had written for him and set it on the table. I was really going to go through with it. That's when he burst through my door.

"Sayori, what is that?" It only took him another moment to figure out what was going on. He ran and snatched the noose away. Next thing I knew, his arms were wrapped around me. He spent the rest of the night telling me how wonderful I am. That nothing in the world could ever replace me.

I didn't believe a single word.

On the day of the festival, I told Monika that I was going to go through with taking a break from the club. We had talked about it briefly before and she said if it's what I felt would help, she would support me. I helped the literature club for the rest of the festival, and then I was out.

He started walking with me to and from school every day, and checking up on me all the time. We were spending as much time together as we had when we were kids, but it didn't feel the same at all. I had tried everything to push him away and now he wouldn't leave my side. I decided to just stop talking to him all together. Eventually, he would give up.

The final year of high school came. I still had not rejoined the literature club and he had still not left me alone. I didn't understand. I hadn't said a word to him in months, but he still refused to give up on me.

"Everyone in the club still misses you alot." I quickened my pace home.

"We just want to help you." I opened my door and he followed me right in. I ran upstairs and slammed my door. It didn't slow him at all.

"Sayori." He was crying. Why was he still letting himself be hurt because of me? "I'm trying to understand. I really am. Please. Please talk to me. I want to help you."

I put my head against his chest.

"Don't you get it!" I clung onto his shirt. tears seeping in, "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you say or do. Nothing will change. I'll always see myself as a waste."

"Sayori, you aren't a…"

"Save it. It's not anything you haven't said before. I've tried. I've tried to see what you see in me, but I just can't. I can't stand hurting you anymore. Please let me stop hurting you."

"I'll keep the hurt if it means keeping you."

Why didn't he give up?

He needed to leave. I broke away from him and wiped my eyes.

"I think, I think I'm finally starting to understand." I put on a smile, "I should be fine for now. You can head home and do your homework."

"Sayori, you really think I haven't learned how to recognize when you're faking it by now?"

Shoot.

How had he wised up so quickly?

I stood up and starting yelling.

"I hate you! Can't you see that? I don't want you here. Get out of my life!" My entire face burned. I felt my head begin to cloud. He needed to leave. He couldn't be there when I…

"What are you trying to-"

"Just get out. I don't want you here. I don't want you in my life." It was no use. He knew I could never feel that way. He wrapped himself around me once more. How nice it would be to die in his arms.

No.

I pushed him away once more.

"Please. Please just get out before-"

And that's when I collapsed to the floor.

* * *

My eyes peeled open. There was something stuck in my arm. An IV. I looked my right. He was there. His mouth was tilted upward, but his eyes told a different story.

"Morning." He said. It was still dark outside. Was this real? Had I somehow survived?

"What happened?" I asked.

"The doctors were able to act quickly and save your life." He broke eye contact, "I found the empty pill bottle."

"I just….I just wanted to make you happy."

"You still do, right? What would make me happiest in the world would be you agreeing to get some professional help. I thought we didn't need it. That we could get through it ourselves. That mistake almost caused me to lose you again."

"I'm beyond help."

"Will you at least try, for me?"

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this."

"Sayori, you've given so many others so many chances. You deserve to give yourself at least one."

"I've given myself 18 years of a chance."

"I mean a real chance. If it were anybody else, even a complete stranger, you would do everything humanly possible to help and beyond. You always say how you don't understand yourself. Give Sayori, the stranger, a chance." In my weakness, I threw myself at him once again.

"What if it doesn't work? What if nothing changes?" I asked. He pulled me closer.

"Then we try something else. And we keep trying."

"And if still nothing works?"

"Then it won't change how I feel about you. Nothing can."

Would it be ok if I listened to him? Could I win a battle against my own head?

"Sayori." He hugged me tighter still, "I'll be there with you every step of the way. I promise."

As he held me, my tempest still raged as hard as ever. However, this time, one thought stood above all the others. The thought that maybe, just maybe, there was truth to what he had been telling me all this time.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or DDLC.**

 **Monika does.**


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